“Whatever you’re meant to do, do it now. Conditions are always impossible.“ Doris Lessing

photo credit: the beautiful Sara Parra, Esencia Dance Company, Los Alamitos, California

You don't have to be a highly evolved paragon of enlightenment in order to ease suffering and bestow blessings - Caroline Myss (Image: Marco Battaglini)

I went through a break up recently - one of those processes that is absolutely universal and yet also feels extremely isolating. During that time, friends’ and authors’ snippets of wisdom were incredibly helpful to me, so I wanted to share some of that as most anyone who reads this has or will go through this.

The most important thing to know is that it’s not about them. What all this pain, loss, and sadness is really about is you. That’s both a liberating and terrifying realization. Now you have to face all your stuff that drove you to bond with someone when, for whatever reason, you were ill-prepared to do so and drives you to seek attachment in general (to be clear, not all attachment is bad, but addiction to attachment is – more about that below).

Self care is about as overused, overabused, goopified, yuppified a term as you can get. And yet...most of us weren’t taught a. what this really is and b. how to practice. I think Dr. Howard Halpern has my favorite definition;

You must learn to listen to the demands of that inner infant and become for her the best possible parent you can be. Nurture, guide, be good to that child, love her deeply, do nice things for her, tell her you will build her self-esteem and confidence and tell her you will always be there for her and never berate her. Also teach her that all of her needs may not be gratified immediately and that she can cope with the pain, that being alone is ok, not to attach to get needs met. The more you can stop yourself from these desperate attempts to avoid facing your own separateness, the more you can experience a mature, self-respecting, almost stately sense of who you are.

Got it? Pretty tall order. But, if just reading that paragraph gave you some warm fuzzies, I think there’s hope for you.

I’ll leave you from one more gem from the venerable Dr. Halpern; “The intensity of your withdrawal symptoms does not indicate the strength of your love but the strength of your addiction.” This answered a lot of questions for me. My recent break up, though something I provoked, was more challenging than that of my longest relationship. And I realized that was due to a dependency that kicked in as other aspects of my life (work, home) were incredibly insecure. Becoming overly dependent on another person’s love is surely a weakness, but it is also a quintesssentially human one, so go gentle on your sweet self, shore up your life so that you don’t do it again, and self care like a boss.

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I had the immense privilege of attending a workshop with the venerable Bonnie Bainbridge Cohen last weekend at the University of San Diego. For those of you who are not familiar with her work, for over fifty years, Bonnie has been at the forefront of the mind-body movement. With the detail and finesse of a hybrid between a medical professor and a dance teacher, she teaches embodied anatomy, guiding students to a deeper connection to our neurology and physiology through mindful movement.

This particular workshop, "weaving and tonifying our central core," addressed how our "core" is more far-reaching - both in space (anatomically) and in time (from embryological origin) - than is often understood. We explored the dynamic interweaving of the structures of the diaphragm/s, vis-a-vis Bonnie's hypothesis that the diaphragm's crura extend both lower and higher than most western anatomical texts attest. And we explored the effect that this hypothesis has upon peripheral joints through movement, novel schematic paradigms (largely of an embryological bent), and touch.

As a result of this new information, I am slowly exploring motions for new awareness and connectivity - both personally and in my clients, motions that are so commonplace to pilates instructors, like knee folds, squats, and leg circles. I am finding that both Bonnie's emphasis upon the diaphragm's crura and her explanations of its embryological origins radically affect how I conceive of and initiate motion, which has far-reaching implications upon how I teach movement, but also upon how I conceive of musical expression - both as a musician and teacher, and even upon how I move through the world.

Personally, this has been a lot to take in. While I have known of Bonnie's work for several years, to study with her in person led to much greater depth of understanding, physically and intellectually. It honestly feels more like the very beginnings of understanding. My previous confidence in my anatomical knowledge seems almost liminal. And, while that's scary to admit, it's also ok. For, as I mentioned in my previous post, being unsettled makes us more deeply aware and attuned. And that's a great thing.

​copyright © cicely nelson 2016

I've been pretty remiss about blogging for the past couple of months, no doubt to the anguish of my legions of fans:). I had more time to process my thoughts while living in the Caribbean, and the past two months - travelling in December and now acclimating to a new city - have been a time of tremendous change, so my silence is due to both general overwhelm and some uncertainty about what the present moment means, as much is still unsettled - which also always a global truism but especially at the moment.

And that's ok. In an unsettled state we are more aware. We are vigilant - the hunters and the hunted. We are more attuned, accountable. So here's to making the most of an unsettled time. Here's to planting seeds even when we don't know if they'll sprout or not, or if they do, if we'll be around to see them.

​copyright © cicely nelson 2016